His profile definitely made him seem like the modern, ideal, "manly man." He was a jock type with many photos of himself playing baseball. He also stated drawing as one of his hobbies, just like me. A straight masculine dude who plays sports, likes drawing, and calls himself a Christian? Perfect!
He wanted me to be a man, to be tough, emotionally disciplined and not giving in to my grief. After all, we should consider ourselves like soldiers in battle who can't afford to stop and grieve when someone dies. I couldn't fully process everything at the time, but you can imagine how I felt as a sensitive guy.
He was never physically affectionate; we’d never even hugged. I wanted to touch him not out of a sexual desire but from a longing to connect with him as love with a brother. I dreamed of a day when we could embrace and confess our brotherly love for each other. I put my hand on his shoulder once. He brushed it off.
Back in high school, I lived a double life. I enjoyed spending time with my friends and the youth group at my church. But I also spent time looking at porn, questioning how I fit in with guys, and lacking any strong sense of masculinity. The summer after my junior year, I decided to volunteer at a nearby camp. Having never attended this camp -- or any camp – as a camper, I had only vague expectations for my first week. It was a Christian camp so what could be bad about it, right? Driving down that gravel road, though, all the fears and insecurities came rushing at me.
All these ups and downs often caused me emotional pain. I had to take risks rather than stay safe and comfortable. My SSA made me feel weak and ineffective around all these straight guys. These painful things tested my friendship with James, too.
I've reached the end of myself many times, and even just admitting that is incredibly difficult. Heartbreak, betrayal, loneliness, and fear -- all related to my sexuality -- have shaken me to my very core and brought me to the end of myself.
I couldn't be like these people. They seemed like the antithesis of everything I stood for. Finding out that the Bible forbade homosexual sex only fueled my self-righteous anger. To assert my masculinity and avoid being labeled gay at all costs, I joined my other straight male classmates in mocking gay people.
A straight and very strong "alpha male" type leader has constantly challenged me to go beyond what is safe and comfortable to accomplish more of what really matters. We started becoming close friends, so I shared with him that I deal with same-sex attraction.
Today, we're excited to introduce our brand new web series: MANLY MONDAY! Join me in this biweekly (bimonthly?) video series for storytime, Scripture reading, and calls to growth for the week ahead. You'll also get a little "state of the YOB" with highlights from recent comments, podcasts, emails, and more. We hope Manly Monday is a fun, informative, and challenging way to start our weeks here every other Monday. Thanks to our faithful patrons for making this new video series possible! As of this premiere episode, we currently have 125 patrons funding Your Other Brothers each month -- totally covering our yearly maintenance expenses while also enabling us the resources and time to tell even more dynamic stories and challenge further growth in this community. THANK YOU, YOBBERS. If you believe in what we're doing at YOB, consider becoming a patron today! All information is on our Patreon page. We...
At times, it's been emotionally and even physically painful to be this alpha male's friend. But also enormously rewarding and well worth it! I refer to James as an "alpha male" because he is a natural leader who many others, especially straight men, gladly follow.