Ah, straight guys — also known as "the normal ones." What a load of complicated feelings I have toward them. I see straight guys now and again in groups together. It evokes more of an emotional longing. A deeply profound longing. It's a feeling of wanting to be like them, to be one of them. To be normal and accepted by ordinary men and be like ordinary men. But it can't be that way. I'm different.
I couldn't go back through this whole crap again! I couldn't go back to being worried every single minute over how to pay for my apartment. I couldn't go back to not eating for a day or two. I couldn't go back to being tempted to selling myself to the first "generous" guy that came my way. I felt the heavy weight again, and I felt like a total loser.
My attraction for men tilts more toward the emotional and physical rather than anything sexual, and I've been wired this way my whole life. So, what does it mean to be physically but not sexually attracted to other men? It's a question I get a lot, a distinction worth clarifying.
"God has placed us together for a specific reason — that the times, stories, and experiences we share are beneficial for each other," she said. This led to discussion about how community requires vulnerability. Even with a wide open invitation, I remained a silent listener in the community.
Straight men have always been scary. They've long been "the other," going all the way back to first grade. We may not share the same tastes for sports and media consumption, but we still share a common masculine heart. One fraught with hauntingly familiar masculine thorns.
The voices flooded my mind. How useless am I not to protect the females on the team? I am so weak. I am nothing like the other guys on the team. What am I even doing here?! With all that had been going on, my team director decided to have a chat with me.
Of our five values, I felt a lot of vibes for "courage" going into the YOBBERS retreat this year. I just had a feeling I'd be on the Courage Tribe, because boy have I needed courage this year. Boy, do I need courage still. Sure enough, I did wind up on Courage this year. Turns out I wasn't the only one with courageous inclinations.
I'm grateful "Band of Brothers" introduced me to the concept of true brotherhood at a young age. Had I not seen it, I may have grown up thinking the only type of intimacy between people is sex. At long last, I feel like I have found my band of brothers here at YOB and in the "Side B" world at large: men who know me, love me, and will be there for me, even at the end.
It's Easter season, and I've been reflecting on the meaning of the cross. Not just the meaning of the cross for the bigger picture of salvation for humanity, but also the tangible effects the cross has been having on me.
Did I want to be in leadership, or did that role need to be filled? I felt inadequate. To lead. To be an example. To show my non-Christian roommates Jesus and love. To be a good friend.