I'd transition to being a woman. I'd find a man to love me for who I was, and I'd become his wife. I'd run away with him and find freedom to be the woman I was supposed to be. This is not what happened, of course. Some would call it a mercy; others, a tragedy. I call it taking ownership of my gender identity.
I've reached the end of myself many times, and even just admitting that is incredibly difficult. Heartbreak, betrayal, loneliness, and fear -- all related to my sexuality -- have shaken me to my very core and brought me to the end of myself.
Once I had exhausted my words and my voice, he stepped right in and began pouring out every bit of encouragement he could think of. He kept his arm around me and continued to encourage me. It was as though I'd crumbled right in front of my best friend as he carefully helped build me back up.
I couldn't be like these people. They seemed like the antithesis of everything I stood for. Finding out that the Bible forbade homosexual sex only fueled my self-righteous anger. To assert my masculinity and avoid being labeled gay at all costs, I joined my other straight male classmates in mocking gay people.
What started that night was three years of an unchecked porn addiction. I never felt guilty. I don't know why. Perhaps because I felt like I wasn't hurting anyone?
I went to the clinic by myself to get myself checked. I entered the clinic and had this fear that if I had contracted an STD, it would stay with me forever.
I know the mistakes of a parent can have incredibly long-lasting ramifications on a child's life. I still struggle to this day due to things my parents did.
It is difficult to be present with people you know will grow uninterested in you. It is difficult to develop friendships knowing your value is temporary.
Sometimes it’s as if "coming out" and getting rid of the wall between my same-sex attractions and the rest of me will somehow make my sexuality more real.
I still get tense and nervous and start shaking just thinking about coming out again. Some days it's better; other days it's not.