My gay brother was publicly outed in a very painful way. He was thrown out of the group and his homosexual sins were revealed to hundreds of members.
I hate myself more than anybody could imagine. I hate my body. I hate my personality. I hate my strengths and weaknesses. I completely fake it to the world.
I don't remember thinking of myself as gay. There was always something wrong with me, and I was beginning to see it.
I processed all the outcomes and knew that ultimately nothing would change by anything I did. My breaking point with my best friend was this: I did nothing.
From the earliest time I can remember until I was almost done with college, my two older brothers abused me verbally and emotionally.
An anticipated drive with my dad would prove to be a fracturing moment in our relationship. It was the moment my father failed me.
I will be reminded of this brokenness every time we are forced to gather. I hate this brokenness. For it is in this brokenness that my SSA came to be.
Today, while walking around work, I saw him again, this time from the back. I almost fell forward due to the unreal and freakish resemblance. It was all I could do not to burst into tears. It felt like I was being haunted by my best friend.
Looking back, I still wonder: what happened that caused John to go from "best friend" to "somebody that I used to know"? It seemed instantaneous.