BLOG ARCHIVE
We generally blog weekly. Check back regularly for new posts, or dive into our archive! Commenting is always lovely.
When they hear I'm attracted to men but married to a woman, straight people, particularly Christians, sometimes ask if I expect my attractions to "change" in this life. For the longest time, I prayed for God to change my attractions. To make me straight. I do still pray about my sexuality, but I don't pray that God would change my attractions to heterosexual.
As a queer man, why would a loving God permit me to desire that from which I should abstain? Why allow me as a young boy to be so abused as to feel unsafe as a boy and retreat to dreaming of being a girl? How could God, in infinite and perfect love, let my will so rebel against His holiness? And how on earth do I demonstrate that love?
It often feels like a self-fulfilling cycle of a formula: that as soon as I praise God, when I repent and I'm again "right" with Him, I'm back on an inevitable trajectory toward porn and promiscuity and the dark desires of my heart.
Our community is like a family. These past few years I've grown such a huge family, far beyond my biological one. It's like I have cousins and, yes, brothers living in cities all over the world – family who would offer me a couch if ever I passed through town. That is an incredible feeling.
It was an unfamiliar city on the other side of the world, and not one soul knew who I was and what I was about. For the first time in my life I felt free, unrestricted to do anything and be anything I wanted to be. What will I do? Where will I go? Where will God take me? Who's God again?
My queerness is a part of me. And my desire is to submit my whole self to Christ. Thus, why would I not hold up my sexuality to the fruit of the Spirit to test it? Perhaps I may see where my sexuality rails against the Spirit. Or perhaps I may see where the Spirit shines its attributes through my queer identity.
If there's one thing that stands out about me, it's intentional community. As a single Christian guy with same-sex attraction, I find that I fight against sexual temptations much more effectively when living with other guys. I am much happier, too! But how does living with other guys work with all the potential problems?
For the longest time I felt afraid about the locker room setting. Part of my fear and shame came from body-image issues, as I was the "fat kid" most of my life. Part of my fear also came from my same-sex attraction – the fear for potential arousal. I was curious how the other guys looked but also ashamed and scared to be around them or be seen in my nakedness.
I understand: this phrase could be my life's motto. God has given me great ability as an empath to feel what others feel, even when I completely disagree with them. I'm not sure who first said it but the phrase, your greatest strength can also be your greatest weakness, rings true here.